If I Were a Boy…

Mulan (2020)

I was 4 years old, he wore a grass green military uniform, same as Daddy:

“Do you want to exchange your little sister with a big basket of apples? I know you love Apple.” He smiled and teased me.

“No!! I want my sister! ” When you are 4, you don’t make jokes like that. I never met him before, didn’t like him instantly, even though I had to call him uncle — All adult males of our parents’ friends are uncles to us. Chinese culture.

Mom came home from the hospital with the new baby and Daddy wasn’t happy. There was a two-children policy in China at the time, so his hope of having a son was destroyed.

A few days went by, Daddy refused to name the baby. It was this visiting uncle friend who named my sister BeiLi. It means a small flower bud.

What would happen if I were a boy?

If I were a boy, my mom might not feel ashamed for not birthing a son to carry the family name. And It was just an honorable thing to do as a wife.

If I were a boy, the principal of my elementary school might not come to my home just to tell my parents that I let loose of my long hair on the playground and it was a disgrace.

If I were a boy, I might not be violated by the low hands on the jam-packed city bus on the way to and from school, same as my classmate.

If I were a boy, I might not have been body-shamed by my mom, then myself for many years.

I have a bubble butt. Mom used to say “ Big butt. Ugly. Cover it up”. She covered up hers with a big loose white overcoat in the surgical rooms and I covered up mine with a long dark business jacket in the leadership meetings.

Until one day, my body woke up when she heard my teacher, a pioneer who has devoted her life to liberate feminine radiance,“ When you enter a room, your breast should be the first to enter and your butt should be the last to leave.” I tried it. “Chest up, Take space.” The world was watching and I finally arrived.

Since then, I have told my daughter, “Our curvy bottom is our treasure. It is a gift that got passed down, from grandma to mom to you. We are so lucky!”

So if you ask me today, “If you have a choice, would you want to be a boy or a girl?”

“A girl, of course!”

I love being a girl.

I love that I am a sister, a daughter, a wife, and a mother. I give life and I heal trauma.

I love being a girl.

I love that I am experiencing life fully, embracing the ups and downs of emotions like the ocean waves. I feel deeply and I care bravely.

I love being a girl.

I love that I am living in my feminine core. I am the sun, I am the moon. I am beauty. I am love. I am sexy. I am wild. I am the goddess with a bubble butt!



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